Top 1000 Funny Quotes & Sayings

Explore popular Funny quotes.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
I'm going to take this God-given gift of being funny, and I'm going to spread it out like peanut butter on everything I do.
Comedy is a tool of togetherness. It's a way of putting your arm around someone, pointing at something, and saying, 'Isn't it funny that we do that?' It's a way of reaching out.
Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is. — © Steve Martin
Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
I was a hop-around. I hung out with the rockabilly crew, the guys who were trying to be rappers, the funny kids.
I never smoked. I never drank and I never took drugs. The funny thing is, nothing is more boring, people like this. For me, it's OK. But most of my friends, at least they smoke and drink.
I like really bad puns - proper, red-top, nasty puns - I find them funny.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers.
I don't follow anything blindly. I have to know the entire thing, if I have to get in to it. It might sound funny to you, but it's like using English language. I use an English word only when I know its meaning and understand its connotation. You won't hear me say, 'What's up, dude' or anything like that just for the heck of it.
The moment I was introduced to my wife, Emma, at a party I thought, here she is - and 20 minutes later I told her she ought to marry me. She thought I was as mad as a rat. She wouldn't even give me her telephone number - and she wrote in her diary: 'A funny little man asked me to marry him.'
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
Who included me among the ranks of the human race? — © Joseph Brodsky
Who included me among the ranks of the human race?
I like to have fun and be funny, but I'm much more of a thinker.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
Bill Murray was just so funny to me - there wasn't anything spooking him.
The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We've all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we've all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that's a gift - to you and your audience.
I detest jokes - when somebody tells me one, I feel my IQ dropping; the brain cells start to disappear. But something is funny when the person delivering the line doesn't know it's funny or doesn't treat it as a joke. Maybe it comes from a place of truth, or it's a sort of rage against society.
I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand.
I really don't have a type. I never had a type. If I could put them all together, it's, like, the most different grouping. So I love when guys are funny. I love guys that are funny and goofy and over the top. And you know, I really like personality.
Cinema was haywire in the 1980s. It was a funny period in films then.
It's funny because I've made a living off of words, but words get in the way of what you really want to say.
I have really fond memories of growing up in Chicago, and I always love going back. I still have a lot of really good friends from high school that I go to dinner with. It's kind of become a tradition when I go out there to do a show to give a few friends a call, tell some funny stories about high school and walk down memory lane.
It's funny, because what happens to me when I read a script, when something grabs hold of me, I start getting these flashes of people or places or things or images.
It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.
I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.
My job is to bring the tickle. I know what's funny.
One thing the blues ain't, is funny.
It's funny when someone says to you 'you're hot' and all that, because I don't think of it in that way.
I just couldn't go back to Suddenly Susan after David Strickland's suicide. I didn't see how we could make the show light and funny any more.
I think you figure out how to be funny by necessity. It's not a natural thing, being funny in the face of tragedy is kind of demented.
I know I'm more on television, and I'm more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.
I've always been part of comedy. One of the things about our family was that if we were reasonably funny with each other, particularly my two brothers and myself, when my father was upset with something you'd want to make sure in some way you made him laugh. Because when he didn't laugh, you were in trouble!
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Success is a funny thing. It means different things to different people. For me, I am always pleased when people connect to our brand. It means we are executing in a manner that speaks to a wide variety of businesses.
'Funny People' is my favorite performance of myself to date. Even though it's a comedy and there are serious moments, I really felt like Leo felt like a real person. It didn't feel like I was playing myself. Whether it's a comedy or drama, I just try to make it as realistic as possible.
I had no desire to get up onstage and tell jokes. I prefer to stand next to really funny people. — © Jon Hamm
I had no desire to get up onstage and tell jokes. I prefer to stand next to really funny people.
Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Sex is funny and love is serious.
It's funny how life works. You end up sometimes back where you started.
You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it'll turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it's not even funny.
My mother is very funny. She is from a village; she has a typical village kind of humour. Often she says a lot of things she herself isn't aware is a punch line.
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
Bigots are actually funny to me in the way that people who still wear parachute pants give me a chuckle.
I could party in a cardboard box with people who are funny and don't care. For me, it's really about who I surround myself with, so I just try to always be with hilarious people.
Shirley MacLaine said, You're so funny, then gave me a hug. Everything went white. I couldn't hear, I couldn't see. I thought I was going to pass out. — © Lisa Kudrow
Shirley MacLaine said, You're so funny, then gave me a hug. Everything went white. I couldn't hear, I couldn't see. I thought I was going to pass out.
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
I'm not a funny person.
Tell me I'm beautiful, it's nothing. Tell me I'm intellectual - I know it. Tell me I'm funny, and it's the greatest compliment in the world anyone could give me.
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
My mum passing away wasn't funny, but that funeral and what I went through, the things that happened, looking back at it, there were funny moments. You have to be strong enough to look back at it, to sit and assess the situation.
I guess one that wouldn't be obvious is - well, maybe it's super obvious, I can't tell - 'I Love Lucy' is my favorite show, going back to when I was 4. I've watched every episode I don't know how many times. It was something to watch women being funny when I was young.
Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.
In general, the straight line of a joke sets up a premise, an expectation. Then the funny ending - the punch line - in a sense contradicts the original assumption by refusing to follow what had seemed a reasonable train of thought. Many jokes involve that simple matter of leaping outside what had appeared to be the rules of the game at the moment.
My favorite monster has always been the zombie. They are so much fun. They can be scary, pathetic, sad, funny, tragic, even heroic. They are the most elastic monster because, even with all of that, they don't interfere with telling stories about the humans. They serve as threats and metaphors, but they allow the story to be about people.
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